My Review on 5 Shows I’ve Never Seen

In a nod to our fine friends at Extraneous Kickassary and YWYT who both penned Top 10 TV columns this week I’d like to do a quick review on 5 shows that have been on for 5 years that I’ve never seen 1 time. The rules:

• Show must be currently running and have been on for at least 5 seasons
• Show must be on main networks and in prime-time
• I seriously must have never watched more than 3 seconds of the show (the time it takes to flip the channel)

5.  Medium 2005 to Present-  Patricia Arquette gets nightmares and does stuff and then more stuff happens and blah, blah, blah…bad hair cut…blah, blah, blah. At some point they catch some pervert and everyone is safe for 7 days until the next episode of Medium.  Arquette peaked as Alabama Whitman in True Romance. The fight scene with  James Gandolfini is still one of my all time favorites.  

4. NCIS- 2003 to Present-  Stars Mark Harmon and some butt ugly goth chick they’re always showing on the commercials. You know what’s a lot better than NCIS staring Mark Harmon….Summer School staring Mark Harmon. Do you remember how hot Courtney Thorne Smith was in that movie? Holy accident in my pants. Man she was hot.

I think NCIS is like a military rip off of CSI. MY #1 rule with forensic crime drama shows is No Marg Helgenberger=No Watchie….hence I’ve never seen this  steaming pile of dung.

Bonus! NCIS was a SPIN-OFF from JAG which, holy mashed potatoes, ran for 9 freaking years.

3.  Gray’s Anatomy 2005 to Present  Dr. McSteamy humps a crash cart while that fugly asian chick pops vicodin like chicklets….on the next Gray’s Anatomy! I wear this one as a badge of my manhood. Entering it’s 5th year without one viewing by team turdland. Did you know Patrick Dempsey played Damone on a short-lived TV series based off the movie Fast Time at Ridgemont High? That little nugget there is cooler the 5 years of Gay’s Anatomy. (He was also in Meatballs III)

2.  Supernanny 2004to Present- I so totally thought this was going to be different. Take one part British chick with sexy accent and add the words Super + Nanny. We’re talking prime-time boner maker right? Wrong. apparently this show is about some opinionated geezer built like a log cabin that comes to your home and tells you what to do. I’ve already got that going…she’s called my Mother in Law. I live this shit. I don’t need to watch it on TV. End of story.

1. The Ghost Whisperer 2005 to Present- This is a show about Whoppi Goldberg (* my favorite black jew by the way….barely edging out Nell Carter and reggae superstar Sean Paul) talking some smack to Patrick (43 Points) Swazye while they do some gay shit with some clay. Then Demi Moore gets hit by a train  and….oh crap, that’s the movie Ghost.

Anywho, The Ghost Wisperer(er) stars Jennifer Love- Hugetits and is on Friday night. She talks to some ghosts and whatnot and there are lots of closeups of her cleavage. Other than that I have no idea what the show is about because if you’re watching The Ghost Wisperer(er) on Friday night you’re a loser.

**Bonus Take- CBS…I’m looking at you. This is like 1/3 of your entire non-reality line up. Embarrasing.

9 Things I Think I Think (aka….6 minute abs)

1. I think I would be terrible at sexting. I can just imagine it all being very awkward.

2. Yes, the crystal meth admission is a bit of a shocker but nothing compared to the bombshell that Agassi wore a hairpiece! Seriously, I was/am a huge fan and had no idea. Was this general knowledge and I’m just a naive schoolboy? I need to know this.

 

3.  I think I want to party with this kid on Halloween.

4.  Big game for the Raven’s this weekend. Spread is Baltimore +31/2 which is surprising considering Denver is 6-0. I’m still not convinced our defense can shup anyone down. And when that anyone is named “Kyle Orton” and you’re worried about stopping him/her/it then I think it’s time to start worrying about making the playoff’s. (PLAYOFF’S??… PLAYOFFS!)

5.  I think it’s pretty fair that those two pilots got shitcanned for blowing by their stop by like 150 miles.  Appearently the two jabroni’s were on their lap tops jerking it to pictures of Captain Sullenberger.

6.  Watched the Caps/Flyers game on Tuesday night this week. Down 2-0 Caps come back to win 3-2. Ovechkin is the man. Hockey in HD is exciting to watch and the fans are turning DC into a hockey town. (The Communist Midget has an assit on this one) I’ve never been to an NHL game but this might be the year.

7.  Weird Science. I think you probably haven’t seen it in years but it’s time to give it another view.

Garry: Do you know what I would like to do?
Wyatt: Shower with them.
Garry: Then bang with the city baby, dead on! For a little drinks, a little night-life, dancing.
Wyatt: Dancing.
Garry: We’ll throw a huge party. I mean huge party! Everybody’s invited. Women everywhere. All these girls, they’re all there. Naked bodies everywhere. They all know my name.
Wyatt: Gary, Gary.
Garry: What?
Wyatt: Nobody likes us. Nobody.

8.  Top 10 All Time Cartoon Power Ranking:

10. Inspector Gadget     

9.  Thundercats

8.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

7.  GI Joe

6.  Beavis and Butthead

5.  Voltron (The good one with just the 5 robots)

4.  Simpsons

3.  Transformers (not the movie!)

2.  South Park

1.  Family Guy

9.  I think college basketball season is just around the corner. Yipee!

 

 

 

 

Snyder = Stalin

Take a moment to read this excellent blog by Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post on the Redskins banning signs from Fed Ex Field for Monday Nights Game.  REDSKINS BAN SIGNS AT FEDEX FIELD

I’ve got a wo hour+ round trip commute into DC twice a week so I’ve been listening to a lot of native radio and the absolute bungling of ownership for the Skin’s in sickening. Steinberg does an excellent job in this post of finding hard evidence on the fan’s mistreatment….much more damning then all the blowhards complaining up and down the dial on the radio.

 

update….here’s a great quote from the Redskin’s head legal counsel on why no signs at Fed Ex:

“We DO have a prohibition against signs and banners in the stadium, and we don’t care what they say, we take ‘em down,” Redskins general counsel David Donovan said in a truly gripping interview on 106.7 The Fan’s Mike Wise Show Tuesday afternoon. (Listen to it here.) “They get in the way of other people viewing the game, and people get poked in the head. That stuff happens. We have an absolute prohibition. We don’t care what [the signs] say.”

90,000 f-tards packed liked sardines into a giant bowl plied with beer from the last 4 hours and this ahole is trying to say that someone might get poked with a semi-stiff piece of paper. what a jackhole.

9 Things I Think I Think (aka 6 minute abs)

 

1. It’s almost impossible to punch the clown to the J Crew catalogue. Almost.

2. Caught “The Band that Wouldn’t Die” the other day. It’s the story of the Baltimore Colts Marching Bands that continued on after the team left in 1983 in hopes of bringing back football to Baltimore. It was one of ESPN’s 30 for 30 and directed by Bmore native Barry Levinson. I’d highly recommend watching it if you have the chance. Good stuff.

3.  Who the fuck names their kid Falcon? I hope those losers go to jail. And get butt raped. Repeatedly. In the butt.

4. I think until baseball puts in a hard cap they’ll struggle being relevent in September and October against football. Here’s a fun fact…Arod will make 10 million dollars more this year then the ENTIRE Florida Marlins team. That’s a total of 25 players. You can keep using the Twins being competitive each year as an excuse for the success of small market baseball but overall the sport is losing traction each year because of it’s have/have not culture.

5. I think Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale is money. Try some while it’s still around.

 

 

 

 

6. Baltimore sure seems to have become a shitty sports town lately. Orioles cap a 14th losing season. Terps football blows. The world learns that Michael Phelps is a retarded alien. And the Raven’s go from being media darlings and #1 in several power rankings to losing 3 straight. At least we have crime/STD/heroin free reputation to fall back on. Right?

7.  I think no one cares about your fantasy football team so stop talking about it. Stop talking about it at work. At bars. Over email. To strangers and to family. Just stop.

8. I think working for Bernie Madoff in the late 70’s/early 80’s sounds pretty frickin awesome. Madoff’s workplace rife with cocaine, sex

9. Finally, I am worried that I think I may be turning into a gay. Yesterday’s post was about crying to Chicago. Last night I went home, plopped down on the couch, switched on the Phillies vs. LA playoff game, logged 5 minutes, and then watched 2 hours of The Devil Wears Prada. (footnote: Glenn Close was excellent!) I have renamed my fantasy team after Visanthe Shiancoe’s fire hose and caught myself doing a google search for Santonio Holmes’s junk. As our late, great friend Uncle Al used to say, “Oh Balls!”

Internet Radio and Sleep Deprivation

So the boy is sick. He’s only 1 and this is the first time he’s had anything which appearently makes sleeping optional. (But not screaming- not by a longshot) This led to about a solid hour of sleep on my end. Whatever- do the crime pay the time- I’m not complaining and  I like the crime part so I’ll keep at that thank you.

What it did lead to though was this situation at work today.

I listen to internet radio in my office and was tuned to my personalized Steely Dan station. I had cranked the volume higher then normal due to fact that I was actually falling asleep at my desk (and that it was my personalized Steely Dan station…ohhh yeahhhh). Well, Chicago’s “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” comes on and I just start inexplicably crying. I guess I could blame it all on the lack of sleep but seriously, listen to that song…it’ll get you.

All is fine and dandy until someone walks into my office, first notices the tears steaming down my face and then hears the Chicago in the background. What can you do except look up and say, “Do you like Chicago?”

In a related note I don’t expect to be employed here much longer.

Nice Secondary

Rihanna fared better is the passenger seat of Chris Brown’s car then the Raven’s secondary today. Carr, Foxworth, Worthington, and Landry. You suck balls.

9 Things I Think I Think (aka…6 minute abs)

1.  There is a historical amount of shitty baseball being played with in a 35 mile radius of our area. 200 total loses is not out of the question for the O’s and the Nat’s combined. While each team has some exciting young talent I don’t think either can make a case for being competitive next year. (Better maybe but really…how could you get worse)

2.  I think the Redskins are going to lose to Detroit. So does everyone else. Except Chris Roth, who in his blog, You’re Wasting Your Time, says he’ll only be happy if they score 30 points. Those Skin’s fans drink a special flavor of Kool-Aid kids. 

 

3.  The G-20 Economic Summit is in Pittsburgh. That’s like having the Recovering Pedophiles Support Group Meeting in an elementary School during naptime.

4.   Looking forward to watching the Tour Championship and the end of the FedEx Cup race this weekend.

5.  Expected a lot more out of the ”Flash Forward” premier. It’s got a “Hero’s” feel to it which was another show that got old after the first season. First episode of CSI though kicked much ass.

 

6.  Looks like God decided to give Dundalk a bath. Good work sir.

7.  I have never nor will I ever Twitter. Although I probably would have used it in 10 years ago.

 

8.  This is one of the funniest things I have seen in a while. Even funnier, when I went to save the picture it was titled Flacobert.jpg  For the story behind Flacobert visit tremendously talented writer and all around cocksman JK at Extraneous Kickassery.

9.  Ravens 28   Browns 17.

Friday Pick 6

St. Louis at Washington (-10)
Washington lost an embarrassing game last year to a St. Louis team that ended up 2-14. If they lose at home to another untalented Rams squad the beltway murmurs will become shouts for Zorn’s head. I link the Redskins to the Orioles in that I don’t believe either will have success until they change the man (or midget) at the top. My advice…more pic’s of Chris Cooley’s dong. Will it help the team? Absolutely not. Do I enjoy random pictures of athletes’ dongs that sneak onto the interweb? What, is there something wrong with that…
Pick- Washington will win a close one. Take St. Louis and the points.

New England Cheaters (-3 1/2) at Jets
I’m starting to become a big fan of Rex Ryan. He obviously wore a muzzle here in Baltimore as the D coordinator but now that he’s the man in NY he’s throwing out zings left and right. He seems to fall into the category of, “people I’d like to have a beer or 12 with”. But- Brady will bounce back this week with a complete game and the Cheaters will cover the points against a Jets defense that is still learning Ryan’s system.
Pick- New England laying the points

Carolina at Atlanta (-6)
Jake Delhomme has 11 turnovers in his last two games. I haven’t seen anyone go down that fast since a coked up Jamaal Anderson in a nightclub mens room. Carolina is in Redskins territory here. Without a win you’re looking at a coach and quarterback that may not make it to the midway mark of the season. So the Panther’s have strong backup plan in place…right John Fox? Yup, if you consider Matt Moore and AJ Feeley the next Marino and Elway.
Pick- Take Atlanta and the points.

Ravens at Whales Vagina (-3)
I think the key to this game rest on the health of San Diego’s offensive line. It looks like they may have two starters out and if that’s the case and they cannot contain the Baltimore pass rush then Rivers is in for a long day. Last week the Raven’s kept their blitz defense fairly vanilla verses an overmatched Kansas City and part of me thinks it was some sandbagging for this weeks game. LT is breaking down before our eyes. Sproles is obviously the more effective back at this point and I think the Raven’s will see much more of him in the second half. Key matchup is Antonio Gates vs Frank Walker. Walker  is a ra-tard good for at least 1 pass interference and 1 unsportsmanlike conduct penalty per game. Look for Ngata to have a beast game.
Homer Pick- Ravens and the points

Middle Tennessee at Maryland (-6)
Maryland stinks. They’ll probably lose to a directional school again this year but at home this time. They have no offensive line, untested receivers, and mediocre running game, and one of their best defensive players is out for the year. Luckily the ACC sucks as well so 7 wins may get a decent bowl game.
Pick- Take Middle Tennessee and the points (although MD will win)

WNBA Playoff’s: Detriot Shock vs Atlanta Dream (Lick ‘Em)
Pick- Whoopi Goldberg

Mommy, what is a “super rod-on”?

Like everyone I get a lot of spam trying to sell me pecker pills. 99% gets deleted with out a glance. I happened to look at this one though while deleting…they had me drillosaur. Behold, my first e-issue of Bad Performance in Bed Solutions.

YOUR SEPTEMBER 17, 2009 ISSUE OF
BAD PERFORMANCE IN BED: SOLUTIONS

@ Become her drillosaur.

@ Bull power in lovemaking

@ Strengthening your Hercules

@ Recipe of hotter lust

TOP STORY
Revolution in process on male boluses!
Now they are not only help you getting a super rod-on, they also don’t cost a fortune. Better prices plus you get free pilules! Now there is no financial border between you and your perfect amorous boosters, so you can take it and return the fever of love.
READ MORE >>

9 Things I Think I Think (aka…6 minute abs)

1. There’s one thing I’m sure purple camouflage pants cannot hide you from and that’s being white trash.

2. The Redskins better go 3-0 over the next 3 games (St. Louis, at Detroit, Tampa Bay) or Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell are cooked

3. If Matt Barkley, USC’s true freshman quarterback, does not have multiple STD’s by the end of this season I’d consider it a miracle. That guy gets more ass then a toilet seat at Sizzler.

4. The Steelers may have trouble over the next few weeks but will still easily make the playoffs this year.

5. Claritin D is the poor man’s coke. How can they sell this stuff over the counter?

6. Tom Brady is a handsome man. And clutch. But still handsome.

7. I really enjoy watching championship tennis but anything other than the semi’s or final’s of a major just doesn’t exist to me.

8. The build up to and drafting of your fantasy football team is a lot cooler then actually playing fantasy football.

9. I stopped watching baseball mid-July. As much as I love the Orioles it’s an utterly boring sport when your team is out of the pennant chase.